Evelyn Adelie Bennett
by Nancy J. Lisse
Summary: Have you ever wondered why Grissom would rather be with his bugs, than people? Why he is so emotionally unavailable? Everyone has a past, and Grissom would rather forget his. Some GSR as always. Read and REVIEW! Please! Ch. 6 up!
1. Chapter 1

This story just popped into my head... and I had to write it. I have another story I'm working on too, so I'll try to update as soon as possible.  
As always, I don't own anything, except the idea. It's a bit AU, but you never know what really happened before the show. And a little GSR as always. Remember to REVIEW... I need reviews... please!

Summary: You ever wonder why Grissom would rather be with his bugs, than people? Do you wonder why he is emotionally unavailable? Everyone has a past, and Grissom would rather forget his.

* * *

Evelyn Adelie Bennett

The television hummed softly to the commercial displayed on the screen. Greg Sanders stood at the counter brewing some of his famous Blue Hawaiian coffee, the color from the TV reflecting off his face.

"Hey Greggo," Sara Sidle grinned as she took a seat at the table. A muffled _hmphh _was all she received.

"Rough day?" she asked, arching her brow. Silence. She took the hint, and leaned over the table to reach for the remote.

"Don't change that," Catherine Willows said as she entered the break room. "Please," she corrected herself, catching a glimpse of Sara's glare.

Laughter could be heard down the hall. It got louder as Warrick Brown and Nick Stokes reached the open door.

"You wish man," Warrick joked. They sat on the couch as Nick huffed a quick _hey _between laughs,to anyone who was listening. They continued their conversation on future relationships; apparently Nick thought he was destined to be with the new lab tech downstairs, a slim redhead fresh out of college. Warrick thought otherwise.

Sara and Catherine were staring absentmindedly at the television, still not being able to hear it; Cath was tapping her fingernails on the arm of her chair. Greg diverged from the community coffee pot with two mugs in his hands and sat next to Sara. She watched him as he set a mug in her left hand and sipped his own.

"Ahh," he exhaled. He smiled at Sara. "More like a rough week," Greg answered her earlier question. Sara just grinned and shook her head.

The boss was late, Sara noticed his absence first.

"Where's Grissom?" she asked to no one in particular.

"He's right here," Gil Grissom responded, walking in the room with an arm full of paperwork and case files. "I have assignments." Sara turned her seat and looked up at him. Their eyes met for a moment and she smiled. Grissom diverted his gaze to a manila folder in his hands.

Greg had joined in Nick and Warrick's conversation, while Catherine was searching for the volume button on the remote. When she found the one she was looking for, she held it down. As the woman reporting the news got louder, the break room chatter ceased.

"… after all this time. The body of an Evelyn Bennett, of Santa Monica California, was just released to her family," the reporter continued. "Thirty years ago, last month, at just nineteen years old, Miss Bennett was found brutally beaten and murdered in a Las Vegas hotel room. Found in the bathtub, she was revived, only to pass away at Valley Hospital Medical Center later that night. An ongoing investigation followed, and a suspect was never found. It is only now that her body is being released to her family. Her body was being held in a Santa Monica morgue, perfectly preserved, awaiting her return to her loved ones. The Bennett family has already had a funeral, back when the tragedy first occurred. They have decided to have her body cremated. Reporting now from…"

The room was silent until Catherine broke the peace.

"Oh my god, I could never imagine," she sighed. "Thirty years?"

"Rehashing all those memories, living for all that time with no closure. It must have been tough," Sara added, emotion evident in her voice. She looked at Catherine and saw saddened eyes looking back.

Nick and Warrick remained silent.

"And the guy's still out there," Greg pointed out, finishing his coffee and placing the mug in the sink. The air was heavy with grief. Warrick ran his hand through his hair and Sara was studying the coffee ring on the table; Nick found a loose thread on the couch very interesting.

"Yeah, but that's nothing new. We shouldn't even be surprised anymore," Catherine's tough façade resurfacing. She had to be a leader for them, being impassive was the only way she knew how. Grissom had that down pat, why couldn't she? She turned off the TV and set the remote on the counter.

"Okay, well," Catherine glanced at her watch, "seems like we should get to work. Vegas doesn't sleep you know. Griss, you said you have…" She turned around to face everyone. "Where'd he go?"

* * *

Where did Grissom go?? Dum, dum, dum.

There's two directions I could go with this... so let me know what you want to see. I can do a more romantic story, or a darker fic. So, what do you think I should do??

Review!! Please please please!


	2. Chapter 2

As always, I don't own anything, except the idea. It's a bit AU, but you never know what really happened before the show. And a little GSR as always. Remember to REVIEW... I need reviews... please! Oh, and I have no beta, so all mistakes are mine.

Summary: You ever wonder why Grissom would rather be with his bugs, than people? Do you wonder why he is emotionally unavailable? Everyone has a past, and Grissom would rather forget his.

* * *

The world was a blur. Walking quickly through the hallways, Grissom caught the curious glances people were giving him. He was breathing heavily and was sure someone might think he was having a heart attack. He tried to slow his step, to avoid more burning stares; but even as he did, the earth remained spinning. His knuckles were white from his grip on the files in his hands. Sheets of paper flew out as he put his arm to his forehead. He left them.

_So close, _he thought as the door to his office appeared. He wanted nothing more than to lock himself away from this dreadful nightmare. A migraine was coming on, fast and strong. He needed to lie down or he would surely introduce his lunch to the linoleum floor. He yanked the silver handle on the door and swung it open.

The room was cool and dark, just the way he liked it. A single table lamp was all that illuminated the various jars of preserved 'creatures' and unfinished experiments. He sat at his desk, steadying himself with both hands. As if trying to control his heart beat, he put a hand on his chest. It didn't help. A shaky hand opened a drawer. He slammed it shut; not finding what he was looking for. He tried another… nope. Now he was getting angry. Drawer number four… _thank you. _He tossed the post it notes on the desk as he rummaged around for a pen.

He scribbled a short message on the yellow two by two piece of paper. He slowly made his way over to the door and stopped to peer out the window. Satisfied that no one was around, he quickly opened the door, stuck the note at eye level, and shut it again. He turned and closed the blinds. He exhaled and made his way to the couch. Propping his head up on a pillow, he rubbed his temples in a futile attempt to dull the growing pain behind his eyes. Closing his eyes, he concentrated on his breathing. The doctor said it might help with the headaches. _The doctor's a goddamn liar. _But somehow, amidst the pain, he fell asleep.

--

Down the hall, the rest of the group was still dumbfounded.

"I didn't even see him leave," Warrick spoke up. He stood and walked toward the door, glancing left and right.

"Maybe he forgot something," Greg suggested. He contemplated making another cup of coffee, but decided against it. He promised himself no more than one cup before shift, considering what happened last time. Seven hours and thirty six minutes, the pain was unbelievable.

They waited a few more minutes for his return. It was mainly quiet, aside from occasional small talk. Catherine waited impatiently, tapping her foot, her arms crossed across her chest. Nick stretched out on the couch and tilted his head back, closing his eyes. Sara washed her mug in the sink, then she washed Greg's.

Greg couldn't contain himself any longer. He got himself another cup of coffee.

"Better watch it Greggo," Sara teased. "Remember the Billings case? Crime scenes don't come with bathrooms, you know."

"Mmm," Greg rolled his eyes.

"That's it!" Catherine bellowed, slamming her hand down on the counter.

Everyone jumped. Greg was mid-sip, causing him to get coffee all over his face and drop the mug. Everyone stared in his direction at the sound of ceramic hitting tile. He started coughing from the amount of liquid up his nose. He wiped his face with his sleeve, and glared at Catherine.

"Geeze, Cath," Greg wheezed.

Sara knew Catherine was mad, but she couldn't help but laugh at Greg's expense. The guys were trying hard to hide their amusement.

"Sorry Greg. I'm going to find him," Cath started. "How dare he just…" she trailed off as she left the room.

"Hold on," Sara said, still laughing. "Let me come with you." Catherine probably didn't hear her. "Guys, can you, uh, help butter fingers over there," she continued as she hurried after her coworker.

Nick and Warrick looked at each other and rolled their eyes, both grinning widely. Greg was on his hands and knees soaking up coffee with a towel, cursing under his breath.

"So, Greg…" was the last thing Sara heard as she caught up with Catherine. She was bent over in the middle of the hallway, picking up a stray piece of paper off the floor. Just a few feet in front of her were more sheets, scattered about. Sara helped Cath collect some of the documents and fixed them neatly into a pile in her arms.

"Where did these come from?" Sara inquired.

"Probably Grissom," Catherine responded. She was irritated, Sara could tell. "Look, there's a trail leading straight to his office."

Sara caught a glimpse of the yellow paper stuck to Grissom's office door. When they got close enough, she took it. She read it aloud to Catherine.

_Do NOT disturb. Cath, hand out cases. I will be doing paperwork. Sorry._

"Oh no he doesn't," the blonde was getting heated. "What the hell is his problem?"

She went to open the door, but Sara stopped her.

"Wait, you're angry. That will only make matters worse. Go hand out cases, I'll talk to him," Sara reasoned.

"But, did he take the folders with him?"

"Check the table in the break room, maybe he left them behind. If not, I'll bring them when I'm done here. I'll just be a minute."

Catherine sighed heavily and ran her free hand through her hair. "Don't let him get off too easy." With that, she turned, still carrying the papers from the floor, and quietly ranted the entire walk back to the break room.

Carefully, Sara turned the handle to Grissom's office. She peered in, her eyes slowly adjusting to the darkness of the room. There was no movement inside. For a moment she thought the room was empty, but then she spotted a still form sprawled out on the couch. She inched her way in and silently shut the door behind her.

She wasn't actually sure what to do next. She hadn't thought that far ahead, and she found herself wishing she let Catherine barge in before. _Okay, just, umm, tap him on the shoulder. Uh, no. Say his name. Oh, God. _She watched him for a moment. She studied his breathing, the rhythmic rise and fall of his chest. He was so peaceful. Sara couldn't help but imagine herself sleeping next to him, to feel his breath against her hair while she rested up against him. She shook her head, attempting to rid her mind of those thoughts. Catherine's angry voice echoed through her brain, and the thoughts vanished instantly.

_Here goes nothing…_

"Uh, Griss?" she whispered. "Grissom?" a little louder. "Gil…"

* * *

Sooo... what's gonna happen when Griss wakes up?? Review and find out!! Go go go... PS - I can so see Greg doing something like that. heehee.


	3. Chapter 3

Thank you all soooo much for all the wonderful reviews, they are what keep me going!! So keep reviewing everyone! I want to know what you think.

As always, I don't own anything, except the idea. It's a bit AU, but you never know what really happened before the show. And a little GSR as always. Oh, and I have no beta, so all mistakes are mine.

Summary: You ever wonder why Grissom would rather be with his bugs, than people? Do you wonder why he is emotionally unavailable? Everyone has a past, and Grissom would rather forget his.

* * *

"_Gil…" _

Someone was calling him. Somewhere, far off in the distance, he was being summoned. His body slowly began to stir, but his eyes remained closed. His eyelids were so heavy; he couldn't get them to budge.

"_Grissom…"_

There it was again, the same voice. So soothing, so calm. It was trying to bring him back to the world of the living. He tried again to open his eyes, but he was mentally exhausted. As moments passed, he could start to feel himself come to. He rolled over on his side and brought his hand up to his face. It felt like forever before he felt his fingers on his brow. His vision was hazy. He yawned and ran his hand through the graying curls on top of his head. Swinging his feet around, he placed them on the floor as he sat up. Looking toward the door he saw a silhouetted figure. A woman. She didn't move at first, she just watched him silently.

"Hmmpphh," Grissom croaked.

The figure took a step forward into the low light of the table lamp. It was Sara.

"Griss, I need to talk to you," Sara said.

He got up off the couch and made his way to his desk. He swung his chair around and sat down.

"What do you need to talk to me about, Sara?" Griss asked, his angry tone was not lost on her.

"Um, well… first off, are you, uh, alright?" she stumbled over her words.

He remained silent. He was rubbing his temples again, elbows leaning on his desk. The migraine was back.

"Grissom, if there's something bothering you, we can talk about it. It's not like you to just walk out like that, not letting anyone know what's going on. There's a group of people out there waiting for you to do your job so they can do theirs. One minute you're there and the next…"

"Sara…" he tried to interrupt her.

"… you're gone. Then I get to your office and you've got this note telling Catherine to hand out assignments? And that you're doing paperwork? Now I know something is wrong, you hate paperwork."

Then he remembered… the note. He left the note on the door so he would not be disturbed. Now, Sara's in here telling him off, the nerve of her!

She was still ranting.

"Sara!" he said more firmly than he actually intended to.

Silence.

"Didn't the note say _do not disturb _on it?" he asked, fully aware that she knew.

"Yes, but this isn't like you. I thought maybe you would want to talk about whatever it is that's bothering you."

"Well, I don't. I want to be alone. I'm sorry the note didn't make that clear enough for you."

Now she was getting angry.

"Oh no you don't," she waved a finger at him. "You're not going to push me out of the way, like I'm… like I'm one of your bugs after feeding time. You are going to talk to me. And you're lucky I stopped Catherine from coming in here, she was ready to rip you apart, you know that? Quite frankly, I don't blame her. You're acting like a child."

He was silent throughout her entire testimony. He was drifting in and out of thoughts. The news report from earlier flashed in his mind. A strange feeling of guilt washed over him. He hoped it would pass, but it didn't. He couldn't shake the lingering sadness.

"Sara, listen, I just don't feel like talking about this, okay? I just…"

"Oh! So, the infamous Gil Grissom does feel?" she interrupted him. "And all this time I felt sorry for you; such a terrible thing, to not be capable of being empathic toward anyone, or passionate toward anyone." Now she was mocking him. "But now I realize you just _feel _when it's convenient for you," she pointed a finger at him, "To hell with anybody else's feelings!"

"YOU DON'T KNOW ME!" he slammed his fists on his desk and stood up. His chair flew behind him, banging loudly against the wall. A glass jar, filled with a clear liquid toppled to the floor, shattering on impact.

He startled her, he saw her jump. He should have apologized but his anger was hindering any rational thoughts he may have had. She was in awe, standing across from him, silent. She was wringing her hands and he could tell she was about to break down. Sara was going to cry. But he said nothing. He stared at her, wild eyed. If he didn't calm down soon, his eardrums would surely burst.

"Don't you dare tell me what I'm like! You don't know a damn thing about me, Sara." His voice was still raised, and he was sure someone down the hall could hear him.

She was trying to compose herself; he could see her trying to steady her breathing. Her breath caught in her throat. She started backing up.

"You know what? I'm done. I'm tired of your games. I can't take this anymore. You lead me on, you push me away. You don't respect me. I don't deserve this and… I'm done." She threw her hands up in the air, holding back tears. "I quit!"

She turned and left, wiping furiously at her tears with her sleeve. Grissom stood planted behind his desk, dumbfounded. It took merely seconds after she slammed the door for his world to come crashing down around him. It felt like all the air in the world vanished. He was struggling to get a deep breath, to clear his mind. Then he snapped back into reality.

"Sara!" he called after her. But she was long gone. He ran to the door and flung it open. People were staring at him. _They must think I've gone mad._ He looked around quickly and took off down the hallway toward the entrance to the building. Passing the break room, he heard various voices call his name. He ignored them. Once outside, the cool breeze calmed him. Her parking space was empty. Sighing, he turned to go back inside.

"What the hell is going on?!" Catherine was exiting the building. She was inches from his face. "Gil? You want to tell me why Sara just took off? And why you're acting so… so, I don't even know! Whatever it is you better knock it off right now. I will not be working shorthanded tonight." Her hands were moving wildly, illustrating her frustration.

"Actually, we will." Grissom looked at her grimly, she was confused. "Sara just quit."

"She what?!" Catherine roared.

"Sara quit." Grissom repeated solemnly.

"Yeah, I heard you," she said sarcastically. "What did you do Gil?"

He looked at her and charged past her back into the building. She was calling after him. When he kept walking, she followed him. When he got back to his office, he stopped suddenly. Cath was mid sentence, but as he whipped around, she quieted.

"Cath, just give me a minute. Get the guys together, hand out cases. Uh, I think the files are on the table in the break room. I just need a minute. Please." He was pleading with her now. So many different emotions were coursing through him, and he didn't know how to handle it. He was going to break down.

She just turned and disappeared down the hallway.

In a vain attempt to relax, he tried to massage the back of his neck as he entered his office again. He closed the door silently; he didn't need any more attention. He locked it before he went to sit at his desk. He forgot about the broken jar on the floor, he would have to clean that up later. Positioning the chair back where it belonged, he took a seat.

"Oh, God," he whispered to himself. "I don't know what I'm doing. I thought this whole ordeal was behind me. And now Sara. She's right, I'm playing with her feelings, but I don't mean to. God, I never meant to hurt her, I never mean to hurt anyone, but it still happens. It always happens. I can't do that again, I can't love again, not ever, not after what happened…" He shook his head. "Evelyn. I was hoping I'd never hear your name again."

He sighed. Standing up from his chair, he headed for the door. He needed paper towels to clean up the mess he made on the tile floor. But then he thought of something.

"Oh, no. What if they reopen the case? Would they do that?" He was pacing the floor now. He was panicking. "No, why would they open it again… right? They just released the body. But they could, if they wanted to. They could. Oh, no, no… shit, shit, shit. Oh, shit. They won't. Naw, they won't." He kept repeating it to himself. Maybe if he said it enough, it would stand true. "They won't."

He exited his office with a heavy heart and a dark secret.

* * *

Okay... well, I was actually going to split this chapter in half (make you review if you wanted to see the second half) but I couldn't bring myself to do it! So review anyway, the more reviews, the faster the update.

Hope you like it so far...


	4. Chapter 4

Thank you to everyone who has reviewed, I hope I'm keeping you in suspense... so keep reading and reviewing!! I don't own anything, blah blah blah. I have no beta, all mistakes are mine.

* * *

Minutes felt like hours and Grissom was growing antsy. It was almost midnight. He had been processing the scene for over four hours, and he hadn't even ventured upstairs yet. Catherine was with him, but as the hours slid past, he was left wishing he was alone. He needed to be alone to think and compose himself. He needed to be away from work. He never thought he'd hear himself say that. His work is all he's ever known, his safety zone. Now, it was just a burden. He was hoping Catherine was really paying attention to the scene, because he wasn't focusing at all. His mind was fleeting in all directions; the news, Sara, childhood memories, Evelyn.

"So, Gil, may I ask you what your problem was back at the lab?" Catherine asked him, picking up loose fibers from the bed.

"No you may not, Catherine," was his answer. He didn't look at her.

She rolled her eyes. She had moved to the small chair in the corner of the room.

"Okay… Well, then I'm just going to tell you what I think. I think you are having relationship issues. And I don't mean with your bugs. Are you seeing someone? Because, I know you Gil, and nothing else can make you run and hide faster than your own feelings."

"What is it with everybody thinking that they know me all of a sudden?" he spat, more to himself than Catherine. He stopped dusting for fingerprints and wiped his sleeve across his damp forehead. After taking a deep breath, he exhaled loudly.

She glanced at him curiously, but didn't push the issue, for the moment anyway. He could tell she was thinking. She probably knew exactly who he was referring to. He was right.

He continued dusting.

"Now I get it," she continued. "Sara asked you the same thing didn't she? Did she ask you if you were having romantic problems? Women have that sixth sense you know. Anyway, you flipped out… just guessing here… and she got upset and quit. Hmm… I didn't have her pinned as someone who would quit like that, but hey, what do I know right? It's not like we go out for drinks or anything."

She waited for him to respond, but he didn't. He just kept on dusting the same spot. He felt her stare hot on the back of his neck. He turned to face her. She was standing up, leaning to one side, hands on her hips. He was in trouble; when she stood like that, she meant business.

"I should have never let her go in there. I should have done it myself. I would have straightened you out, and we wouldn't be one CSI short tonight."

"I'm going to go talk to her later."

"You better. As far as your 'issues' are concerned, I really hope you work them out soon, it's affecting your job."

"No, it's not," he lied. He knew damn well his brain was not in work mode.

"Sure, whatever you say Griss."

She turned to leave, then turned back.

"Oh, you missed that spot of blood on the wall over there by the bathroom door, and umm, your jar of powder is going to fall of the dresser."

With that said, she left. He got up off his knees quickly to check the wall. Seeing the crimson stain, he walked closer.

_Clink._

He shut his eyes and tilted his head back, knowing exactly what that sound was. Looking back in the direction of the dresser, he saw the black powder covering a large portion of the hardwood floor. The empty plastic container rolled under the bed.

"Great, just what I need, another mess to clean up."

--

Walking alone through the lab he started thinking about Sara. He needed to see her, to apologize for the way he acted earlier. He was going to ask her if she would take her job back, he would beg if he had to. That, and he needed somebody to talk to, somebody who wouldn't judge him. He knew he could trust her. As he was about to enter the locker room, Catherine and Conrad Ecklie emerged from around the corner; they were talking quietly. Ecklie looked up from the open manila folder in his hands.

"Gil," Ecklie summoned him.

Still carrying his kit from the scene earlier, he made his way toward the pair.

"Yes Conrad?" sarcasm pouring from his lips.

"I heard about Sidle's resignation, and I will expect…"

"She didn't 'resign'" Grissom interrupted. "She just needs to be talked to, I know she doesn't want to quit. I'm going to drop by her apartment after shift. She'll be back tomorrow."

Grissom glanced over to Catherine. She stood silently, looking back and forth between the two men.

"Fine. But that's not all I need to speak to you about. You've seen the news, I suppose, about the case from some years back. A girl, murdered in a Las Vegas hotel room, found in the bathtub. Her name was…" Ecklie paused to skim through his folder in search of her name.

_Evelyn._

"Uh, Evelyn Bennett. Do you know what I'm talking about?" he asked.

"Oh yes, we saw the report earlier before shift," Catherine answered. Obviously, that wasn't what they were discussing before. "What about it?"

"Well," he continued. "The family wants to reopen the case."

Grissom's heart skipped a beat. For all he knew, it stopped completely. He stared blankly at Ecklie, mouth slightly agape. Catherine was just as shocked, but surely not for the same reasons.

"But they just closed her case. I don't understand. They just released the body, why go through that anguish all over again. Investigators have probably probed that case inside out. There's nothing to go on, or it would have been done already."

"Not necessarily," Ecklie held a hand up to prevent Catherine from rambling further. "The body was just released, yes. But… the actual investigation was deemed 'unsolved' a while back, sixteen years ago about. The body and the other evidence was kept preserved, but nothing has been touched since… 1987." He was rifling through the folder again.

_Oh, God. I knew it. I knew this was going to happen. Oh… _He couldn't keep his feet still. His eyes seemed to take on lives of their own, shifting left and right. He was getting paranoid. _Why are they staring at me?_

"So, the family has decided to offer the lab a decent sum of money to reopen the case. Apparently the mother got cold feet before they cremated the body. I guess she decided she didn't have the closure she was looking for."

"Well, I guess that makes a little sense. I mean, our technology has really advanced since the 80's and even the 90's; I bet we could find something. But that's not saying we'll ever find the person who killed her. They could be long gone by now," Cath said.

Grissom had yet to say anything.

"I, uh, I can't work that case. I'm sorry, but it's not going to happen," Grissom stammered, sweat coating his face and neck.

"Gil, that's why they chose this lab, they want you." Ecklie raised his voice.

"Well that's too bad, because he's not going anywhere near that case," Detective Jim Brass said, as he came up behind Ecklie and Catherine.

"Okay, what the hell is going on?" Catherine demanded.

Grissom dropped his head and squeezed the bridge of his nose between his thumb and index finger. He tried to swallow the lump in his throat.

"Evelyn Bennett was my girlfriend."

* * *

Ahh, there's a little bit for you... I know you probably figured out that much already, but if not... SURPRISE!! Well, I know it's not telling you much, but I promise you will learn A LOT in the next chapter!

So, if you really want to know, gimme some love and review. The more reviews, the faster the update. Hope you like it so far.


	5. Chapter 5

Hey readers... thank you so much for all the reviews, I really love them all. Sorry this chapter took so long, but I've been trying to get back into the swing of things with school and work and stuff. So thank you all for bearing with me. I figured you all deserved a nice long chapter for waiting so patiently. So I hope you like it... and always remember to review!

... and I still don't own CSI.

* * *

Catherine opened her mouth to say something, then decided against it. Grissom looked up at her. She went to speak again… nothing. Had the situation been humorous, Grissom would have told her she looked like a fish. It was anything but amusing.

"Gil, I uh… I don't really know umm…" Ecklie started. Brass placed a firm hand on his shoulder.

"Let's take a walk Conrad," Brass said, turning Ecklie toward the direction of his office. They disappeared around the corner.

Grissom stared at Catherine for a moment. Deciding that she was incapable of any rational thought at the moment, he turned on his heels and headed for the locker room. He sat on the bench and leaned forward, resting his elbows on his knees. He needed to talk to Sara… now.

--

The car ride was agonizing. Rain pelted the windshield as he drove through a sea of flashing lights. He was angry at the rain… for slowing him down. With each passing moment he was not with her, came horrifying thoughts.

_What if she's not there? What if she left? She's gone… back to San Francisco. Please be home…_

His SUV screeched to a halt as he jammed it in park. He sat still for a moment, straining his eyes, trying to see out the windshield in front of him.

Her car… it was still in the parking lot of her apartment complex. _Oh, thank God._

He turned off the car and stepped out into the storm. He ran toward the tan building, seeking refuge from the cold rain. Once under the cover of the overhang, he slowed down to gather his thoughts. He wasn't quite sure what he was going to say to her, he didn't even know where to start. He began climbing the stairs; she was on the second floor. His wet clothes clung to his body, his curly hair flattened and dripping down his face. In all honesty, he looked like a wet dog, not exactly how he pictured himself as he was about to wear his heart out on his sleeve.

_25B. Okay, here goes... everything._

He knocked three times. He waited. He could hear movement from beyond the door. The lock clicked open and the handle turned. Grissom was staring at the door knob, watching it intently, as the door was opened slightly.

When he saw her, his whole world melted away. In that instant, it was just the two of them, nothing else. Nothing else mattered, except her. But his thoughts were short-lived.

"Grissom," she seemed taken aback. "What the hell do you want?"

"Sara, listen I know you're angry, but…"

"Go away Grissom." There was no hesitation in her voice, no uncertainty. She slammed the door.

"Sara," he called for her. He tried to sound tough, even though he knew it wasn't true; he was scared. "I'm not leaving. I need to talk to you. And… and I'm not leaving until I do."

Nothing.

"Sara, I'm sorry. I am so sorry about before. It was out of line, and downright rude… but you have to let me in. Just let me explain. Please."

He waited. Leaning his forehead against the painted wood, he closed his eyes. One minute… then two. He hung his head in defeat. _Why does she have to be so damn stubborn? _Then he heard movement. Looking at the door handle, it moved again. Within seconds he was staring into her hard brown eyes. He would never get over it, how a simple look could make him feel so completely vulnerable. But he had to be strong, he had to tell her.

"Can I come in?" She was still standing in the doorway; leaning against the doorframe, arms folded across her chest. He pondered at the metaphor. She was guarding the doorway, like she guarded her heart. She stood strong. But what was disheartening was that she was guarding it from him. She didn't want to let him in, because if she did, she would be defenseless.

"Please," he pleaded.

She pushed the door completely open. She walked further into the apartment without uttering a single word. Closing the door silently behind him, he welcomed the warmth of the room. He stood by the door, afraid to venture any further into the apartment. Sara reappeared. She studied him, up and down.

"What did you walk here or something?"

"What? Oh, um no." He caught on to what she was saying. He looked to his left shoulder then his right, noticing the beads of water falling steadily on the hardwood floor. "No, actually. This is just the walk across the lot." He gestured outside.

She smiled… a fake smile. He could always tell the difference between a real Sara Sidle smile and… that. It was the exact same smile as when she asked for a leave of absence. He said the lab needed her; then she smiled… that smile. Silently, she moved into another room, her bedroom perhaps. After a few minutes, she was facing him again. She had grey sweats and a sweatshirt folded neatly in her arms.

"Here." She extended her arms out to him and he took the clothes.

"Uh, I don't think I'll fit in your…"

"They're Hank's."

"Oh."

That hurt. She did it on purpose. He wondered if she could see the hurt in his eyes, like he could in hers.

He saw her shift uncomfortably, she folded her arms across her chest again. She looked away.

"Well, they were. He left them here." Her voice softened slightly. "The, uh, the bathroom is in there." She pointed to the room she came from.

"Thank you." Grissom tried to smile.

He walked slowly through the doorway. It was her bedroom. He didn't mean to be nosey, but he found himself taking in everything that he could. It was the most private of spaces, and yet there he was… in her bedroom. The walls were a dark burgundy, almost black from the lack of light. A cream-colored bedspread and curtains offset the dark walls wonderfully. Elegant, yet modern furniture gave the room sophistication. It was everything he ever imagined her room would look like, and more. As he made his way to the bathroom door, he passed her dresser. A silver picture frame caught his eye; a picture of the team. It was the department's annual picnic, everyone was laughing and smiling… _that's the smile I love_. He looked around quickly for more pictures… none. No family pictures, friends, nothing.

He looked himself in the mirror after he changed his clothes. He cringed at the giant, red "First Aid" across his chest. Running a hand through his hair, he tried to spring some life back into it. Sighing, he left the room in search of Sara. She was on the couch, wringing her hands uncomfortably in her lap. He stood in front of her and she looked up at him.

"You can sit if you'd like," she said.

He took a seat on the smaller couch.

"Okay, Sara, I'm just going to come out and say it. Listen, I am sorry about before, really I am. I was wrong to yell at you like that. It's just… I've been having a really horrible day, and…"

"I offered to talk to you about it."

"I know, and I'm sorry. I… I want to talk about it now."

"So talk."

"Well, it's kind of difficult to just say it, but… um, you know the girl on the television? The news report about the uh… the body being released?" It was hard to get the last few words out.

"Yes?" She leaned forward, he had sparked her interest.

"Well, I knew her."

He waited for her to say something… anything. She just stared at him.

"Whoa, wait… personally?"

"Yes, we were actually dating." Sweat was beading down his temples. He wiped it away with the sleeve of the sweatshirt. His heart was pounding so hard, he thought it would burst straight out of his chest.

"Okay, so why couldn't you just tell me that Gil?"

Grissom got up abruptly from the couch. _Oh, I have to tell her. Come on, just tell her… shit, just do it. _He walked around the coffee table and to the opposite wall. He stared blankly for a moment, breathing heavily. He placed his hands flat on top of his head, intertwining his fingers. Slowly, he faced Sara. Deep breath…

"Sara," the desperation in his voice was unbelievable. "We were so young, so stupid. Oh, my God, it was so stupid…" He started ranting to himself, hands flying in all directions. He got louder and more emotional as he went on. Pacing the floor like an animal, he couldn't control all the feelings and thoughts flying through his head. He was getting lightheaded.

Sara slowly stood up.

"Gil…"

"… and we just needed to get away. I couldn't get to her… but then we did. There was... blood everywhere. I was such an idiot!" He screamed.

"Grissom, please calm down."

"I was such a fucking… goddamn fucking idiot! I can't believe I gave it to her… why did I give it to her? It's my goddamn fault."

That's when he lost it. He cried… Gil Grissom broke down and cried. He let himself fall to his knees. Sara rushed to his side and sank next to him. She wrapped her arms around him and held him tight, rocking him gently. He was spilling out incoherent sentences between sobs. They sat there for what seemed like hours, until Grissom could bear to look her in the eyes. He was embarrassed and heartbroken. He gathered up the courage to speak.

"Sara?" He tried to lift his head up; it was a more difficult task than he imagined it ever could be. He met her eyes, she was crying too. Her brown eyes swam in tears, some spilling down her cheek. She brushed her hand through his hair and down the back of his neck. He brought a hand up to her cheek, and wiped away a tear with his thumb.

"Hmm?" she tried to smile, a real one this time.

"Thank you."

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Okay, well I hoped you liked it... So what do you think _really _happened. Feel free to make predictions, I would love to know what you think. If I get enough reviews, maybe you will find out next chapter the truth about all those years ago!! Thanks so much!


	6. Chapter 6

Hello readers!!! I would just like to take this time to tell you how unbelievably sorry I am for making you all wait this long for an update. I know I hate it when I have to wait a long time for a story that I like to get updated. So I'm giving myself a firm tap on the hand for being such a hypocrite (I'm not really, but mentally... lol). So, this is the latest installment, and I hope that you are all still with me on this story, cause making you happy makes me happy!! : )

Disclaimer: I don't own CSI, but you would wish I did because I wouldn't be putting Sara and Grissom (and us viewers) through all this angsty bs. Bad CBS writers! heehee  
I have no beta... all mistakes, if there are any, are my own.

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He couldn't remember how he got into bed… _her _bed. Rolling onto his left side, he found he wasn't alone. The soft sounds of her breathing reached his ears. It was like music; if only he could wake up to it every day. That would make him very happy. Glancing at the clock, he realized it was too early for his shift. Hell, he wasn't planning on going anyway. Stealing another look at Sara, he closed his eyes and drifted off to sleep again. He was not looking forward to the day ahead. He just wanted to sleep right there, next to her, forever.

The next time he woke, he was alone. Stretching out, he reached over to where she once was. _Mmm, still warm. _He buried his head in the pillow, breathing in her scent. She smelled absolutely wonderful. Slowly, he sat up, scanning the room. That's when it hit him again. That slow realization of recent events… recent confessions. He felt the weight of the world climb right back up on his shoulders. Only when he slept, did he not feel it. But now that he was awake, there was no ignoring it.

Once out of her bed, he made his way into the bathroom. The mirror was steamed up, the air hot and humid. He flushed and washed his hands, then retreated back into the bedroom. As he did, the slight smell of bacon filled his nose, lifting his spirits ever so slightly. Like a bloodhound, he followed the aroma to the source. What he saw next lifted his spirits some more.

Sara was standing in the kitchen with her back to him. Clad in nothing more than an oversized t-shirt, stopping mid-thigh, Grissom had free reign to explore her bare, endless legs. With his eyes, of course. He found himself wondering if she was wearing anything underneath. _Whoa there buddy. Slow down Gil, you're in a tough spot already. Let's not make this anymore difficult than it already is._

Now he felt awkward. He didn't know how to present himself, because it was obvious she wasn't aware of him standing there. He took a step forward, dragging his feet to make some noise. Then another step. It worked. Slowly, Sara turned around. She gave him a small smile.

"Hey," she said. "You sleep okay?" Her voice was low, almost a whisper.

"Yes, thank you," he responded.

She turned her attention back to the food she was preparing.

"Something smells great." He was trying hard to not sound as depressed as he felt.

"Yeah, well let's hope it tastes as good as it smells. I'm not much of a cook, hope you don't mind."

"I'm sure it will be perfect."

He took a few more steps into the small kitchen. When he was standing next to her, he opened the cabinet above their heads. He was looking for coffee cups, but he didn't want to ask her. He wanted to figure it out on his own, to explore her kitchen. He didn't know why, but knowing where to find things would make him feel like he belonged there, even though in reality he didn't.

He made a mental note. _Far left cabinet… plates. Maybe cups will be in…_

"Cups and coffee mugs are in the next one down," she helped.

_Damn. _"Oh, uh thanks," he was disappointed.

He took two mugs out and went over to her table. It wasn't a table really, but more like a high counter with barstool seats on one side. He took a seat on a tall chair and silently waited for her. He watched her back as she finished with the food, his mind floating back to the night before.

She turned around and made her way over to him, sitting to his left, and placing a plate in front of him.

"Thanks."

They sat there eating in peace for a few minutes; Grissom sneaking a look at Sara every once in a while. Silence permeated the kitchen. He was the first to speak.

"Sara, about last night…" He put his fork down slowly and stared at it vacantly.

"Gil," she cut him off, "you have to talk about it. And I want you to talk to me."

He frowned, looking up at her. Her big brown orbs reached deep into his soul, searching every fiber of his being. Her stare unnerved him.

"Please."

"It's complicated Sara," he started. "I made a mistake."

"Yeah, Griss, but everyone…"

"No. Don't even say it. That night… what happened haunts me every day. I should have known better than to…" he trailed off.

"To what?"

"I am responsible for Evelyn's death. _I _killed her, Sara. Do you have any idea what that means?"

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Cute bug man _say_ _what_??? haha

So... I hope you liked this chapter. I'm not too happy with it, b/c it's too short and kind of a filler chapter, but I really wanted to give you something since it's been so long. Just as punishment, you don't have to review, if you don't want to. BUT, those little comments are always welcome. I think I'm addicted to them. : ) I promise I will have the next chapter up by this weekend. I know where I'm going with this story, it's just a matter of getting there!!!

And for anyone who has read my other story_, _I was overwhelmed with all the wonderful reviews I received... thank you all so much!!!


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